Red-nose

To what extent can one be an asshole? And how blind does one have to be, to not see that. The first question is answered in detail in the following paragraphs, the second question I leave for you to answer.

When I had first joined college I remember being told by my seniors that by the time 3^rd year will roll along your friends would become people you cant stand and the people who you cant stand will become some of your closest pals. Hogwash! is what I replied. Half of it did come true for the friends and almost all of the people I disliked became good friends of mine by the time college was over. Experience is everything and I was telling my juniors exactly what I had been told.

In the beginning there were four of us. I am not gonna mention two of them cause they make for better memories and stories. This one though pertains to a little asshole we will refer to as 'red-nose'.

A short, stocky fellow from suburban Mumbai and a liar from the word go. The biggest of those lies was that throughout his time in college he told everyone he wasn't fat and that all the weight was because of the lack of gyming and overuse of supplements - of which he carried multiple boxes. He had to so he could maintain the whole story. To further supplement the cause he would wear a belt under his clothes and tell everyone that it was for his slip-disc (a ready reason to quit the gym) when in fact he was using it as a cummerbund!

Now the fucker had some really nice threads, nothing less than a versace or boss, and this particular lie was one another friend pointed out. Apparently all these clothes were made by his local tailor in Mumbai and the labels were specially procured for these clothes. So he would go around proudly showing the brands and thus trying to prove that he didn't really have a peanut for a penis!? One has to appreciate the sheer dedication of the fellow! There are many other lies he lived and i don't wanna bore you, but i am sure you get the picture.

I for some reason couldn't see through all of this and continued to be blinded by him. When we had started college, to keep up his pretenses, red-nose claimed to be a non-smoker, tee-totaler with just an occasional beer and someone who stayed far away from the other illegal activities the rest of us partook in. Looking back he was a seasoned and habitual liar who obviously was good at creating an illusion about himself. As good as he was, his worst and most terrible lie came to light a good six months after he left college.

Mid-way through first year, one evening when we are all chilling in the hostel, red-nose walks into the room shouting furiously that he has been robbed. He apparently had 20k and another couple of grand in change and it was all gone and he was sure that his his roommate had taken all of it. Now this roommate of his was not someone who was particularly liked by any of us and so it wasn't very hard to antagonize us. We immediately started the hunt for this guy. With no luck in and around the hostel we decided to wait it out in the hope that the guy will come back at night. In the meanwhile one of us had seen this guy get into an auto and speed away. This pal chased him and he was led to the shady hotels next to the railway station. The roommate went inside one of them while the pal decided to wait on him outside. After about an hour with no sign of the roommate the pal decides to go in and check it out himself. While all of this happened, back at the hostel it was the usual Friday night with the booze and illegals making the rounds. Well past in-time the pal returns with the roommate and all of us pounced on him like a pack of wolves. There was first a solid round of beating post which we sat down for question, answers and explanations. Every time he refused to accept that he had taken the money he was answered either by a tight slap or a cigarette burn. We were really high! An hour an a half later he had finally admitted to stealing the loose change but still vehemently denied even the existence of the 20k. We decided then, to keep a watch over him through to the morning and then haul him up to the princi's office.

The news of what had happened that evening had already reached the princi before we could reach him and this is how the shit hit the fan. We went through the usual – writing what had happened, naming everyone involved and then waiting incessantly for further action. After two days all five of us involved in the beating and the roommate were told to vacate the hostel and find out own digs. All of us were thrilled as we had all wanted to move out anyway – except perhaps a minor glitch that our parents had been informed about all of it.

A month passed by as all the brouhaha settled and it came to be that red-nose, a senior and myself were living in common digs and the whole incident was put down to another eventful memory. The roommates mom had come down to pay the 20k to red-nose which he splurged on sprucing up the digs and also take a 4 day break from college. On his return the cookie really started crumbling.

Red-nose came back and we were shocked to see a 180 degree change in him. Not only had he come back with all kinds of toking paraphernalia, he also toked with us, started getting drunk with us and rolled like he had been born with rolling paper in his hand! Not that it really bothered any of us, it was just that none of us had ever seen this side of red-nose.

Over the next couple of months, thanks to our seniors who lived right across from us, we ended up having the greatest time of our lives. College was a time when everyone was perpetually broke yet somehow, during those few months, we never ran out of food, booze, ciggs and pot. I for one had found a family away from home. Red-nose was also an intricate part of all of this, sometimes even leading the way to a higher high. The change was tremendous.

A few weeks later the seniors went away to finish their industrial training while we were left to pull up our socks for the finals that were round the corner. It was time to put our heads to the books and red-nose, another friend and I studied day and night over the next two weeks to ensure that we made it to year two. It was harder for us as we had to constantly go back and forth from the hostel getting notes and tips from the people who had actually paid attention through the year.

The day after the finals all of us went home for a much needed two week vacation. I went away with the memory of one of the craziest years of my life and confident that I would be sailing through to the next year.

Ten days into my vacay I get a call from my roommate, the senior who had gone on his IT. He first told me that I should be elated 'cause I had made it into year two with flying colors. He then went on to tell me how he had returned a couple of days ago to find the front door of the house open and the lock broken. He had conducted a little investigation and found out that a few boys had seen red-nose and that he had plugged the exams. I told the senior to hang tight till my return as I couldn't do much from back home.

Upon my return on Saturday the senior told me that red-nose was still in town and was shacked up in some random hotel town side. I was furious at my broken lock (an heirloom my grandma had given me) but got even more agitated when I realized that he might have been behind the whole charade and he was actually in town but not at the digs. As strange as all of it was, both of us decided to pay red-nose a visit.

I had a million questions when we entered his room at the hotel but when I saw his disheveled condition and remembered the fact that he had plugged the year, it simply made me sympathetic towards him. He explained how he was very scared of facing everyone not only at the insti but also back home, that he had lost his marbles and he had broken in to retrieve his possessions and then decided he was going to hole up in this hotel for as long as he can. He apologized profusely for everything. 'Cause he looked pretty fucked up we decided to lend him all the support we could and told him to get his stuff together as he was coming back with us. All throughout, though, both of us had this nagging feeling that red-nose was high on something other than just pot or alcohol but, we let it slide considering the trauma he was going through.

Back at the digs it was a big party for the next three or four days as after that the seniors would be going home for good. On one of these nights while everyone was having a ball red-nose disappears into the bathroom and doesn't show up for a long time. Luckily the bathroom had a window that could be accessed by climbing the railing in my balcony. When I peeped in, I saw red-nose sitting on the commode passed out with a ciggy still burning between his fingers. That was the confirmation all of us needed to prove that he was on something way stronger than all of us. The fucker had come back with a substance abuse problem and we knew that substance could only be found in Mumbai. We tried confronting him but he denied it all and told us that the craziness of him plugging had taken a toll on him.

Anyway a few days later red-nose left college for good. A couple of weeks after that I shifted back into the hostel and somehow became friends with the same roommate that I had helped beat up. One afternoon the roommate invited me over to his digs 'cause he told me that his family was moving abroad and how he wanted to party with someone before he left. As we're getting nice and proper the roommate asks me if he can make a confession. Sure man go right ahead, I said. “Dude I swear I never took the 20k as red-nose claimed. Yes I did take a few hundred bucks 'cause I was going through a rough patch but I never even took the two grand that red-nose said I had. Red-nose planted the rest of the loose change in my cupboard so he could prove to all of you that I was the one who had stolen every penny.'

'Where did the money go then, 'cause he did have the money as his mother had told us that she had given it to him?'. 'I am not denying the fact that he never had the money. All I am saying is that I never took it and my mother had to pay for something I did not do!' I don't know why but, in that instant I saw truth in his eyes and I knew I'd fucked up my judgment. I knew all of us had been played by red-nose and in all probability red-nose had spent all the money in one shot and from fear of his mother had cooked up this whole story about it being stolen from him and made the poor roommate a scapegoat.

I apologized to the roommate and told him how I had been blinded by my friendship. 'You don't need to apologize. I didn't tell you all of this for an apology, I told you so that you would know the truth and so that you can tell everyone else that I am not a thief because I don't wanna leave college with that tag on me.' He eyes were wet when he said this to me and I felt like such a prick at that point of time. Red-nose may you rot in hell for making me do what I did to this innocent chap!

RUN!

We came as different as chalk and cheese, or so we thought. For some reason she couldn't stand me and I for one would not stop short of returning a favor. Although, since the beginning we hung out with the same people and partied on quite a few occasions. Beyond that we would be at each others throats, well at least she would be. She was as crazy as they came and that's exactly why it was hatred at first sight.

Now she's always been a 'big' girl but back in first year she had this funny way of walking. Her upper-arms wouldn't really move and this made her torso stick out, on top of that she has always walked with what one can only call baby steps. This whole walk made for a great sight, especially when one of our batch-mates would imitate her. We would go crazy with laughter. Then of course was the first week of college and all of us had to introduce ourselves to new faculty twice a day. By the time it was Thursday, all the boys would be mouthing the words along with her. It wasn't fair, at-least from her point of view, but boys will be boys i guess. All of this only mounted on the dislike that she had for me. All of first year went by and things remained pretty much the way they were. I guess we just became tolerant towards each other 'cause we were with the same people. Birds of a feather?

When you make friends there is usually a defining moment that remains as the cement the relationship stands on. No, things don't just change overnight but, the moment becomes the turning point and from then on you know things will be different. It's a kind of mutual admiration that is generated and we look at people in a different light. One starts accepting and stops judging.

Second year started of with a bang considering the fantatastic year that had gone by. We had got rid of the rubbish and looking forward to a year that would take us to different cities and hotels for the completion of our 6 month on the job training. All four departments had to be covered and to ease it over the whole year we would go work and then be in the classroom every two months, alternatively. My first ojt, F&B, was in Aurangi but right before it had to start a bunch of us were sent along with the people going to Pune 'cause there were back to back banquets on a particular day and extra staff was needed.

After working our asses off for three days some chefs from the blue diamond invited a few of us over to their house for a chill session. The two people i remember were these chefs from the hotel and one of them, a pastry sous, had been recommended by a senior as a really cool guy. Things dont go the same way when there is a gora around and then when a fellow Indian and that too a junior is partying with them. Ah! makes for another story some other time. Anyway, we had some alcohol making the round and as I was the only smoker I offered the chef some of the kali I was carrying. I got nice and propah and a while later, i think it was maybe 1.30 in the morning, all us decided to get back to the digs. Somehow i get stuck with the girl I didn't want to be with, and somehow she decides that she wants to have a coffee. At that time at night one really doesn't get public transport so we decided to take a stroll through Pune. The coffee shop wasn't that far and the fresh air was good for me. As we walked and conversed, I realized she was someone who made sense. It was fun talking to her and i had never known. The woman even had a sense of humor which was just great. Anyway, standing on the side of what seemed like a main road in the city was this car all decked up for a wedding. The embellishments were all there, flowers, ribbons, sparkles and a beautiful big bouquet stuck to the roof like the cherry. Both us actually stood there for a moment admiring the handiwork. It sure was done up nice and nobody seemed to be around. "Garry, i want that bouquet', she says. What? She repeated herself. I looked down to her feet to see she was still wearing her college pumps. I looked back at her, 'can you run in those shoes?'. She looked quite confident, 'start running, now!'. And she did while i took a quick look around, pulled the bouquet off the car and started running myself. 'Just don't look back and keep running towards that turn coming up', i said. We must have run like a couple kms and stopped to laugh our heads off. What a rush! We had our coffees and headed back to the hotel where she had a room and I didn't. I still can't remember why but yeah she was gracious enough to spare a bed for me, the least i could have expected. That run was the cement and I had a friend in an instant.

Today it has been almost a decade since I have known her and what a tremendous decade it has been. This is is to you my friend, 'I am Kanika Passi from Sommerville School, Noida', my confidante!

Buggers!

As was the case usually, Perka and I found ourselves in the principal's office yet again. We had often found ourselves in the same situation but this was the only time we had no idea what the reason was. No, no that didn't make us nervous, just a little surprised 'cause the both of us had made a conscious effort, over the past few weeks, to stay out of trouble. We were in our second and last semester in the 3rd year now and thought a little more deeply before getting upto something stupid. It had been very adventurous over the years but now it was time to take it easy. Yeah the usual clandestine (read illegal) things went on but we were making sure we didn't get into scuffles (at least i was) specially since we now had two junior batches to deal with. There was always an itchy feeling but we had always stayed away from the ragging and other such lowly moronic activities. We had a lot more to do than that including stopping other chuts from indulging in it, specially if we were around in the vicinity. Sometimes though things go out of hand and it becomes an ego issue more than anything else, but yeah thats another story.

I think it was a Friday afternoon or could have been any afternoon actually, 'cause the management had taken the smartest step by deciding that classes for third year will only be up to 2 p.m. post which the remaining day would be used by us to complete projects. Yea right! It was a phase where the two of us were staying away from the tipple so, it was that most of the clique could be found at the watering hole after lunch and we could be found chilling in the hostel.

This particular afternoon, though, we decided to visit a friend of ours, from Nairobi or Ghana, who was a student at the engineering college. Peetah (Peter) was essentially a good humored fellow who had a fetish for big women. He used to forever bug us to get him introduced to this big fat junior chick from our college. I couldn't stand that chick (another story) and so Peetah was always given the run around, during which time we became quite pally. So Peetah had been inviting us over to his place like forever and we decided that today was as good a day as any.

We met Peetah outside the dhaba and so decided to go along with him to his house. Also, he told us he had some fine sensimilia and he wanted us to come over and try it. We sat on his bike and zoomed off towards his house. While all of this happened little did we know that 2 people were watching our movements very carefully. When we reached the house Peetah informed us that we will have to climb over the wall as his house-mate had left with the key to the front gate. No biggie we thought and proceeded to climb over.

We had just about sat down and started to roll one when one of Peetah's pal walks in and informs us that there was a man standing outside the house and calling out for Perka and I. What man was this? Anyway both us decided to check this out and lo and behold it was the one and only bugger standing outside waiting for us. Gerard had been watching us from the principals office and had actually followed us to Peter's house. Fuckin hell, we couldn't believe it!

"You buggers have done it again haven't you? Come with me the principals waiting", and so we sat behind Gerard on his scooter and he drove us to the institute. As we went into the office we were greeted by the trademark Cheshire grin from Roy boy. We sat down and the first thing he asked us, "Who was that guy you were talking to and how do u know him?". Quite flabbergasted by what had just happened we went on to tell him the story about Peetah and how we had made friends with him over the past couple of years. Roy was not impressed so we quickly added that he was free to come with us and meet Peter himself if he liked. "No, no, no that wont be necessary at all" he said rather instinctively. We chatted a little more about Peter and what exactly was the nature of our relationship. But then he told us something and the word he used totally fucked us up. "You know these people, these Negroes are not the right kind of people to hang with 'cause they can be bad news". WHAT THE FUCK?!

Now we were visibly pissed and told him to stop right there. You cant call them that firstly we said. It is considered an abuse and moreover this was a friend of ours you are referring to! Then we asked him, since when does management have the right to choose our friends for us? We had spoken quite firmly and our eyes must have been wide 'cause Roy boy was a little taken aback and so he quickly squirmed into his usual defensive, administrative self and explained to us how we should befriend with some restraint as the locals were quite volatile about us anyway. We should be wary of the people we meet as it was a small town known for its criminality. Anyway we remained pissed and told him how we will be careful and all but to not call us in for such trivial issues. He started grinning again and we looked at each other and then returned the gesture. All three of us knew we had screwed him, again.

Outside the office we were again greeted by Gerard and the way we smiled when we looked at him made him realize that we had just bambooed the princi. His remark was, legen (wait for it) "Over the past 3 years, if nothing else, you buggers have learnt to talk your way out of anything!", dary!

Paradiso

I have never written on it or after. This time it was very unique. This time it was the first one that had been so clear. This time it was profound in some ways. And this time i was not expecting it. 4 summers ago i saw paradise and here's what was written:

What an experience! I am sitting here still smiling thinking about it. Its been about a week and it is still so vivid that i wanna put it down before i forget. I have never felt this alive after! It's what you have heard from others who have experience. They said it would be surreal, unreal even, it would be like your whole imagination has come alive in front of your eyes!

Baphomet engine are my new gods btw. These guys did a live set last Saturday and took me to a world that one imagines or one that's created by an animation studio. I have never done plastic and now i am hooked. I had had one 2 weeks before this and it very nice and happy. The usual shadow forms and lights were there but nothing out of the ordinary. This time it was 2! The intense clarity was sheer brilliance!

As is usual i was just walking around saying hi to peeps if i saw them. I kept going back and forth from where the posse was. At one point i was walking and then just stood still for a bit. When i moved i fell cause one leg had gone under. I looked around but couldn't figure out where it was and what i had fallen into. Anyway i got up and had the sudden urge to go to towards the console and take my usual position near the left speaker. I made my way and it was the backdrop in-front of the console that first got my eye. It was glowing brilliantly under the uv that was placed on the ground under it. I followed the glow to the ground to a small area where some fluorescent powder had been sprinkled. The combination of the backdrop, the uv and the powder created an area with this glow around it and it seemed to have a life of its own.This is where i stayed until morning.

I kept looking at the glow and it seemed to have created a field of energy and right in the center was the tiniest dot with what seemed like a heartbeat. It seemed black at first but when i looked closely it was translucent with an opaque center and a shimmery black outer covering. Then as the beat cracked this dot did exactly the same. The sphere opened up and the life that came through was the smallest little sapling with a branch that glowed bright black. It rose up and stood there while the leaves unwrapped themselves from around the main stem which kept getting bigger and stronger with the bass. As the beat got deeper the sapling tuned into a tree with thick branches which were unfurling there leaves.

The beat got deeper still and there it was, the biggest and most glorious banyan tree you have ever seen. Full of leaves with the darkest chocolate colored trunk. Around it grew the greenest thickest grass that shined with dew drops. Here the music went into crescendo, i crouched down and looked more closely as there emerged caterpillars which were glowing the brightest green and ladybirds with the most beautiful red. Then came the furriest rabbits that gleamed white. And the crescendo breaks and the meadow comes alive with birds of all kinds and colors, rabbits and unicorns running wild, butterflies that were glowing and the tree of life itself basking in the glory of the music that had brought it alive.

Here's when i saw this girl sitting next to me and i realised she was looking at exactly the same thing i was looking at. It was visual telepathy, we were both in the same place!

The music starts rising again, i stand up and look at the sky and then look at the beautiful little paradise i created and start shouting heaven!

The meadow stayed with me all night, with birds, leaves and every other creature dancing and flying to the beats. At dawn the hues became crazy psychedelic and the rainbow that came was magnificent. It was one of the greatest visuals i have ever seen. I wish i can make a digital representation of it and preserve it for life.

Everything has an end and the time for my paradise came violently. A crazy girl comes running towards the console and manages to break the uv. The humanity! The night had brought about a calm over me, so i gave the area a last glance and walked away. Someone pointed out - dude ur pants are torn from the back. I looked and the left leg was torn all the way from the butt down! I had been dancing in a torn pair of pants all night....hehe. I thought about it and then figured thank god it was only one leg that went in cause it was a tube-well i had fallen into. If i had gone all in only the plastic would have known whats coming next and i would have been in there all night!!

Today when i think back, it still makes me smile that i have witnessed beauty from within me. Hope springs eternal and when something like this happens it only makes you realize that purity still exists and it exists within you. It may be manifested to you in any form, the point remains that we need to realize the potential of that beauty that can be brought forth and replicated around us. If not in structure but in thought and action!

The BAKE(ry)

Growing up i used to look forward to the months of July and August as these would bring a lot of birthdays and that would mean loads of black forest cake - my family's all time-favorite at that point in time. I used to love black forest cake till one fine year we decided to move on to other kinds of cakes which came along with ever mushrooming, swankier pastry shops. But, there are a few things i am quite particular about when it comes to pastry shops. There's a quaint little pastry shop that used to exist and every stick jaw in the world is compared with that yardstick. Another bakery that has grown with the times still has the best frikkin chocolate éclairs you can get!

I would love venturing into my neighborhood pastry shop to pig out on their hot-dogs (that had a mutton seekh kebab instead of a sausage!), their lovely mini-pizzas and their chocolate truffle which the lady would microwave just a little so it would be like a chocolate volcano going off in your mouth. Also it was pure bliss watching the pretty lady pipe her cakes while i gorged on her lovely lemon tarts. I was in pastry heaven and i had the fat to prove it!

Zoom through to a few years later. One particular Saturday probably in March of 2000, we were yet again in the bakery at college but this time it was our final exam in bakery. We had to make breakfast rolls (the figure of eight - which incidentally is the only thing i ever learnt in bakery), muffins (with a little help from my friends) and a mousse or something like that. Now this last preparation needed something that is known as a sabayon. This sabayon thing is a mixture of egg yolks that are cooked slowly on fire (but not warmer than body temperature!!)so as to not get it grainy (Source: Google zindabad!). Insanity!

Anyway while everybody was leaving i was trying to make my sabayon for the 5th or 6th time. In the end my bakery chef just gave up. She not only made the sabayon she also helped me finish the mousse. She then gave me a passing grade folded her hands and said thank you for never coming back now!

Cut back a few months when i had just joined the insti. On the first or second day i was crossing the bakery, which by the way happens to be the first classroom as you enter the building, and 'cause it was empty i opened the door to step in. I was nauseated! I had never smelt something that awful. A few weeks and a couple of bakery classes later i figured out what that odor was. Lingering, stale fumes of yeast, odors of raw eggs, the smell from the ovens, awful remains of vanilla essence and the ever present sugar made for the most awful air that stuck to your chef coat for days. I could handle the curries and cream but this was a whole new planet. And the way i see it now, we as a group (batch a and b) were paying for some past sins. 'Cause not only was the bakery nauseating and hot, we were scheduled for bakery classes on Saturday afternoons while the rest of college was out having a good time and you could see all of this while you were in there suffering and literally sweating your blood out in the heat. My dislike for something or someone has never even come close to the pure hatred i had for bakery!

For a couple of years after college it was still quite difficult for me to enter a pastry shop 'cause i would fear that those awful odors would come back to haunt me. I still don't particularly like going to pastry shops, but it has become better. I will always love the wonderful treats a bakery can produce and if wasn't for the single thought that how can something that tastes like magic in your mouth smell so bad while in production, i wont really consciously walk into a bakery!

Work, Pain & Pleasure (Haiku)

Morning rises
Fresh and old
Dying to live
...


Pains forgotten
memory remains
Longing forever
colors for a palette
wiped with a dirty cloth
...


One drop
magnificently small
pearl in an ocean

Refreshing mint
Unbroken light passes
a new dream takes over
simplicity of the awe
complex in patterns

Breaking waves
within the self
reaching higher ground

Fairies descend
demons rise
souls collide
vibrations
...

25th August 2009 (Haiku)

Place.

Arambol
earth and sky
One

Party.

Mind traveling
rainbow of people
wandering at 162 bpm
...

Rubber souls
jagged rocks
heart skips a beat

Enfield.

Screaming winds
still of the night moon
fireflies whiz by

Life.

Time and self
footprints felt
being daft
...

Blank pages
door left open
traces of gold

...